God LOVES us...wildly, passionately, completely

Another day at the daily grind and I'm frustrated. Doing TPRI (first grade standardized test, where the teacher has to individually pull students for 15-20 minutes and test them on reading skills) and feeling like there have been major holes or gaps in my teaching somewhere because I KNOW that my kids can read the word "cut," they are just not doing it...

Not to mention, feelings of inadequacy and constant comparison to other teachers that I know are so great and successful...

I thought this year would be much easier than the first, and I thought that I would be able to hang loose. It has not been so, and spending a whole school year racking my brain coming up with new things to motivate my passive students has been so exhausting. Tiring. Causing me to question, am I really doing this? Is this really what I should be doing, is this really me?

But in the midst of the chaos, confusion, moments of crying to my teammates and feelings of doubt, GOD LOVES ME. Wildly, passionately, completely loves me and loves me with no hesitation, no doubt. He shows me in the most beautiful ways.

There is a freshman college student who I met last year as he was one of our class's high school PALS. We ran into each other at 24 Hour Fitness this past August and began talking, got into some interesting conversation about Jesus and he asked if he could come volunteer at the school for volunteer hours. After that he began working as a leader in the after school program, stopping by to say hello and having intense or growth-inspiring discussions about the Lord. Through these interactions, this college freshman has fully 100% put his faith in Jesus Christ and is now applying to work at a Christian summer camp to tell children about Jesus, as well as ministering to his classmates at TCC and telling them that Jesus is the real deal, and there is no other way.

Or take the 6 year old student I have who I have been encouraging and praising regarding his writing the past few weeks. This afternoon, I was tired. I had had it. I was DONE. And he comes up to me when we are packing up our backpacks and handing out folders, and I'm so busy rushing about trying to get 20 kids out the door, when he hands me a piece of paper.

"Miss Leiss, look how much writing I did."
"That looks great, sweetie," I say as I am still moving about, cleaning things up.
"...will you read it please?"

I am SO, so glad that I decided to stop my madness and take a moment to read it. This is what it said.

"Thank you for all of thees things Jesus. we All love you Jesus. We hope you never diae on the cros. and nowon hates you Jesus."

I melted and I told him, "This is so wonderful. It truly touches my heart and I'm so glad you wrote this. But I have something to tell you. Jesus DID die on the cross already, and it's a good thing, because since he died on the cross, now we can know him and live with him forever in heaven. We aren't good as people, but he was perfect. And him dying on the cross allows us to be perfect with him one day."

See what I mean? ANY GOOD THAT I DO IS COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY BY THE GRACE, THE GOOD, AMAZING GRACE OF GOD! Because my tendency is to let my stress and frustrations overshadow the good around me. And he, he is SO good. And he loves me, wildly, passionately, completely, because he allows me to take part in his reconciliation of the world; even on the worst of days, he shows me the beauty that he is.

You make beautiful things out of the dust You make beautiful things out of us You make me new You are making me new

The Search for God in ALL Things

It's amazing how inspiration can come and go for a writer. And for some reason, my inspiration the past few months has been lost. Lost in the chaos and schedules, lost in the planning and doing. I've forgotten how to just be, how to breathe in and breathe out this thing called life, and how to catch glimpses of our great God in even the simplest of events or moments.

I kept telling myself that nothing was noteworthy of being posted or written about, that there was very little about my every-days that should be blogged for anyone's enjoyment. However, in this process I have simply resisted seeking God in my day-to-day routine, conversations with students, laughter with my incredible and creative colleagues, and hours of being alone in my classroom after school, where the blasting of Shane and Shane Pandora Radio drowns out my thoughts and allows me to rest, somewhat, in the tranquility of another day being done and over with, gearing up for yet another to come.

But I've been so wrong. The past 4 months have been life-changing. My students and I have finally found a groove together, like mismatching puzzle pieces finally fitting together creating this beautiful picture of learning and love. I also became an engaged woman on the day of my last post (!) and have since been planning out the rest of our lives together with the help of my super cute and SUPER understanding fiancee. Things have changed so much, and with spring upon us I feel a sense of newness and rebirth around me. Feeling like I've been stuck behind a steering wheel trucking through mud with no end in sight, the sun has brought new ground to tread on. The road towards becoming a Godly wife, as well as learning fruits of the spirit such as patience, gentleness, and kindness through the everyday lessons God teaches me through my 20 students, has been challenging but sweet as honey.

I can't wait to begin finding, searching, clawing through the dirtiness of this world and seeing God EVERYWHERE in the midst of it all. For this world is full of brokenness, and broken things, and God is on a daily, hourly, every moment-ly mission to restore that brokenness and restore all things to himself. What a beautiful God we serve, and I hope to join in that mission well.

I have ten weeks left of this school year to find beauty and promise in my classroom, my students, my everyday life before summer comes. May the search begin; or, perhaps, may God begin his revealing power to show me his goodness!

Opportunities

There are so many mornings when I am on my way to school, possibly doing my mascara in the car or fumbling with my stack of graded papers that had slid off the passenger seat into a huge lump on the floor of my car, that I pray for God to give me strength, patience, and understanding that day. What I have come to find out, though, is that when you ask the Lord for things like strength...patience...understanding...to be slow to anger...He doesn't just hand it over to you. Rather, he gives you the opportunities to learn and acquire and build those requested traits.

These opportunities to learn how to be patient are not easy. It's not like God says, Oh, you want patience? I will give it to you, without first making you face your sin and see the situations and moments where you aren't patient, and give you the opportunity to BE patient! To practice being patient, to learn how to be patient are very hard feats. But I am really thankful that God is giving me these opportunities, to be strengthened by him and to figure out how to simply just TRUST him.

My boyfriend told me that God wasn't king of my classroom; I had been living like I was the king of my classroom, that I have the utmost control over all of it and all that goes on and I couldn't just let go of it. The slaving away into the night and finding little time for fellowship, friendship, and rest has caught up with me a few times this semester, including last night when I found myself in the ER for the 3rd time in the past year for severe chest pain, which turned out to be esophageal spasms caused by stress. Almost passing out 3 times in the waiting room and wondering if I was going to live to see the next day, hour, minute, with a very worried boyfriend and mother by my side, it was yet another opportunity. God is so gracious to us, in that when he sees that we desperately need to surrender control and allow him to be king of our lives- every aspect of it- he gives us the opportunities to do so, because we are too dang weak and stubborn to do it without him intervening. So now as I sit at home and pray that the substitute at school is handling my rowdy yet lovable group of 20 first graders, I'm given the chance to learn to let go and trust God. That he is king of that classroom, that despite me he continues to work and guard it and rule over it.

The past month or so has been really amazing for me and my kids. We seem to finally have found our groove together, and things are still not perfectly smooth but a lot smoother. I feel like joy has been restored to me that I didn't have the first two or so months of school, and I no longer sit and question my calling or abilities to be a teacher. I know that God has led me to this school, this place, this group of children, and it is by his grace that I am what I am; they are what they are; and we gotta figure it out. Slowly but surely, our reading levels have gone up and leaders have stepped up in our class finally, leading others to doing the right thing. I'm proud of them and our slow progress is still progress. We also have had a lot of fun together; I feel like we laugh and sing and hug all day long, and although there are still times of stress or frustration, God has given me the opportunities to practice self control and submission and patience, so that I don't freak out over it.

I also have to admit that I am having a heck of a lot of fun doing crafty things this year. Last year they seriously stressed me out, but, I mean, the two days before Thanksgiving break this year were like a craft-a-palooza in my room. And I had a blast. I also admit that my kids and I had a 3-4 minute long dance party to a techno Nouns song last week, and I got some robots, some moonwalking, and some really spastic movements that I'm not sure you can call dancing. :) I'm beginning to see that I don't have to be just like other teachers I've seen or observed or taught with; that I don't have to fit into some perfect mold of a teacher; that I don't have to worry and fret that someone from admin is going to walk in at any time and think I'm a failure. Because I'm not. I'm finally beginning to embrace this gift that God has given me and stop throwing it back in his face. And I also am very strict about making myself leave by 5:30 so that I can internalize that I am not just a teacher, but a roommate, a sister, a daughter, a friend...a disciple.

Two weeks left until Christmas break. Gotta go make some snowmen and handprint Santas!

The TRUE Confessions

"and why wouldn't you want to blog about this?
it shows people you're a human
and a teacher facing true trial
that's exactly what people want to read about."

Okay, Sadie Barton. Okay, world.

These...are the TRUE confessions...of a first grade teacher. Perhaps writing down the trials and the hardships that I am facing will help me to constructively, with the grace of God, fix them.

---

Everyday for the past few months, I have woken up in deep and utter prayer. Crying out to my Jesus for patience, peace, joy, happiness. For my students to be obedient, for my students to want to be at school, for my students to WANT to learn, and be able to learn. Please Lord, help us today. Be with us today. Be with my kids today...

I have felt for some time that my blogs were not authentic, and that if I did not post creative, cute stories of funny things my kids do or say, or sweet things that happen at school, that people would not want to read. Nor would people be interested. I have left this untouched, because of the lack of joy in what I do this year. The confessions I have right now at this point of the year are this: when is it going to finally click? When is it going to get better?

I feel like an Israelite wandering the wilderness, wondering when I'm going to get to the promise land, IF I'm going to get there at all. I have never done something this hard in my life, nor taken on a task such as this before. Maybe I have felt helpless from time to time, but for a beating day in and day out and no end in sight until next May, that is a really long time to feel helpless. I have tried anything and everything I can think of. I've changed how I teach time and time again, tried different ways to learn and do daily activities, different incentives...what have I done wrong this year? Where is the joyful first grade teacher I was? I long for her, and I miss her. I miss going to school feeling that what I do has a purpose and a positive, true effect on others.

But right now, I feel like my students look at me blankly as I do any and everything I can to get them engaged in learning, all in vain. This year, the passivity that I sense in the room is too much to handle. I love them, every single one; but it's almost as if they have no will or want to learn. This is a huge obstacle that I have to face, and one that I have yet to figure out. What is it going to take? How many times do I have to change myself or try to figure out what I'm not doing right or what I could do better? It has begun an ongoing spiral of frustration towards teaching, something that I know I love doing, something that I know the Lord has given me to do for his kingdom, but something that, over the past few months, has sucked me dry of joy.

I pray that through the writing and praying and seeking of truth that God will reveal to me the reality of my situation, and that he will continually remind me that the answer is to love Him and be loved by Him alone.

Top 7 Reasons Why I Love First Grade

1. I am so glad that I can sing anything to my students, at any time, and they deem it completely normal and regular. It's amazing how you can tell first graders to sit on their spots or to get off the wall with a regular voice and they don't do it, but then the moment you just sing those directions in whatever musical format, they suddenly seem to be listening and adhere to the request. Not to mention, singing songs like "If You're Happy and You Know It" or "Welcome to School" with them in the mornings to start our days always makes us smile.

2. I get to tell my students I love them every single day. I tell kids all day long, but I love how we go around in a circle during our morning meeting and I get to tell each one of them, "Good morning, I love you, and I'm glad you're here." About 3 weeks ago I was at my personal training at 24 hour fitness and my trainer kept ragging on me about all the days I DON'T come to the gym. I got ticked at him and said, "You never praise me for when I actually DO come!" It got me thinking-- I need to praise my kids and celebrate each day that they come to school. It's a miracle and a blessing that they are there.

3. First graders are hilarious. They do things like the following: "Miss Leiss, my thought-protector told me it wants a piggy back ride." ...and precede to put the 3-sided folder for protecting test answers on their backs and carry them across the room. Or they do things like take TPRI testing materials, such as letters to make and complete a word on a task sheet, and make them dance or choo-choo train to their places. They constantly crack you up because they have no idea about social cues yet, so they just do whatever they want, and everyone thinks it's ok. Like when they run about madly at recess like a ravenous monster, or care too much about power rangers. It's okay to everyone, and quite entertaining for me.

4. First graders have a very unique view of the world. They are extremely observant little human beings, and they notice everything. They are like sponges, soaking up all the stimuli around them, and it is amazing the things they tell me about-- what it's like at home, their adventures at Wal-Mart, or how they think babies come from outer space and are shot down like rockets out of the sky into their mommy's tummy. Most everything that goes on in their little worlds is so innocent and fresh, and to be able to laugh and think like a child with them keeps me younger still ;)

5. First graders have ENTHUSIASM! I am obsessed with the fact that they get just as excited as I do about the daily moon phase, weather, Watercolor Wednesdays, or new phonics rules. I can always count on them to be enthusiastic about what we do, and the thing is, I honestly really DO love knowing and teaching things like the daily moon phase. So it makes me happy that they care too!

6. Everyday is an up-and-down rollercoaster adventure. You cannot predict what will happen one day to the next. My team teachers in first grade and I are always sharing stories about our days during lunch, recess, and planning. The stories and ongoings of our crazy days rattle off and never seem to end for any of us. Whether a student threw up on the carpet at the same moment that a rat ran across the room and the children are all standing on the desks in fear (literally--that happened) or you have to cover up an "accident" on your brand new Ikea rug with a lion's face and tell everyone that it was a spilled water bottle...each day holds a new challenge or test of its own. But we are more than conquerors.

7. HUGS hugs HUGS hugs HUGS... all. day. long. The amount of hugs I get is insane. I even have one student who will give me a very soft kiss on the stomach sometimes. I always just kinda go, "okayyyy...thanks friend..." and have to smile to myself because, you know, he doesn't have a mom at home. And I'm glad that he can be affectionate with me...to a healthy extent, of course. It always makes me slow down and stop to smell the roses when I'm going going going and then one of my students gets up in the middle of the lesson or activity and I go, "Where should you be? What are you doing?" and they just come towards me and wrap their arms around me. I immediately realize that they just want to show me they love me and that they care, and they are happy to embrace me. It helps me to calm down and realize that what I do is so much more than just cramming in 4 subject areas into our schedule each day, and it always makes my heart better than it was the moment before the hug.

I know there are other reasons, but there you have it. I started with trying to make a Top 10 list, but I condensed it into 7 because I like 7. Haha. Until next time...let the first grade love abound!

The Return of Kiwi

This morning I had gotten little to no sleep, my mind was racing and I was sluggishly sipping a tea from Starbucks and carrying five baskets of teacher "stuff" into school when one of my new students, fresh off the school bus, tackled me in a full hug.

"Good morning, Miss Leiss!" "Good morning, sweetie." "Where are you going? Can I go with you?" "No, you have to stay here with the bus friends." "But why, Miss Leiss? I want to go with you! I always want to go with you." I literally had to pry his hands off of me; it was pretty funny. I started laughing and walked into school.

Then I entered my room and the chaos in my mind began again. I was organizing lessons, putting out morning work, and sharpening pencils when I heard a child at my door.

"HI, Miss Leiss!"

I turned and thought it was one of my own and tell them to go to the small gym until the bells rings. But it was my precious student Kiwi from last year's class.

"HI, Kiwi!" I told him. He paused at my doorway and said, "I think a good morning hug is in order." "You know, I really would love a good morning hug," I said back.

He squeezed me so tight and then replied, "Your classroom looks super super cool! It's really cool, but it's not like the real one."

I started to laugh as he left. Two students attacking me with hugs this morning and interrupting my crazy trains of thought. It's amazing how sweet and beautiful a child can be, and how they can completely turn my day around by just being themselves.

I adore first graders, and I got to explain why the other night. I love that they accidentally call me "mom" all the time. I get to be that person for them everyday! Me! What an honor. I love that they need a million hugs everyday. I love that they use too many band-aids on owies that aren't even needing one. I love that they dance around and sing silly songs with me. I love that I get to build their foundation of learning for them, and be a part of shaping the people they are going to be. I just love them.

As far as what Kiwi said, I knew what he meant. The layout of my classroom has changed quite a bit. There are different things on the walls, still in a mass of jungle leaves and animal prints, but it does look different. Kiwi, however, told me it's not like the "real" one. To him, what our classroom was like last year has been forever imprinted in his mind. He remembers it, and not only that, but he comes by most days in the morning for a "good morning hug."

I had a parent tell me yesterday that I just need to look at how far my kids came last year and how much they love me, and let it encourage me. Bless that parent, and bless all the others that continually push me forward and make me smile. My new group of kids are definitely getting there, and it's just the beginning. We've had a really good week together, and I'm starting to remember why I love doing this. I've gotten to love on my kids like no other. I've praised them endlessly, stopped focusing on what they aren't doing right, and started focusing on what they ARE doing! Things such as, it's a miracle these kids get to school on time- I praise them for that every day now, because truly it is; completing and doing excellent work, because that is quite a feat; giving answers, even if they are incorrect, because their participation is a wonder that not always comes as easy; and the fact that my kids are so into our chapter book, James and the Giant Peach, and are beginning to love reading. I have to learn to celebrate the small victories for now, just as much as the big ones!

I have learned a lot these first 4 weeks of school, perhaps more than my own students have. But I am so excited to continue. :)

My Help Comes From the Lord

I look up to the hills,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord.

Everyday, I feel like I have to walk in classroom P104 with a suit of armor on. I have no idea what the day is going to hold, if one (or many) of my students are going to be acting like a wild jungle animal, or if I am going to be able to make it to lunch before I have to desperately run to the bathroom. It is a lot of work, being a teacher. There are very high expectations for you to do your job-- not only to teach the children in your class, but to care for them, love them, and provide the environment they need to be successful and enjoy school.

This year has felt like a butt-kick so far, if I may be blunt. I have an amazing group of administrators that support me, a wonderful first grade team, and very supportive and helpful parents. But it's true that every new class is like a whole new year. I feel like I'm starting my first year all over again, trying to figure all these little 19 six-year-olds out, learn what makes them tick, what reading level they're on, what they look like when they aren't feeling well, how they react to change or consequence, what lengths they will go to make good choices or not. The past 3 weeks have been tough and challenging, but also very humbling for me. I went into the school year having a lot of pre-made plans, ideas, and thoughts of what the year would be like, how I would do CAFE/Daily 5 differently and more effectively, how I would be able to pull individual students or small groups, etc. The first day I learned quickly that any plan or thought I had about the year needed to quickly be erased, and fast, and that I needed to adjust accordingly to the students in my care.

It's a good reminder that the Lord knows our footsteps and knows our plan and our path. He has already set it out before us, and we try a lot of the time to figure things out on our own or make our own path to success or joy or happiness. Little did I know that this transferred to the teaching world as well. Turning my world upside down, I've been busting myself trying to do my job well and at the same time have a life outside of school. Last year I slaved myself away with cutting and sorting, planning and overplanning. This year, I have resolved to not do so, but to do what I need to do and then leave to go spend time with people and build relationships. It's very hard to leave my classroom and turn the key on some days, but I know that it is the healthy thing to do.

Just finishing Habakkuk as a church, Habakkuk cries out to the Lord questions like, "why are you doing this, God? Why are you forsaking your chosen people?" And the Lord replies that he is raising up the Babylonian enemies to destroy Israel, in order to one day crush the Babylonians and bring Israel back to himself. Habakkuk is like, "um, excuse me, what?" And the LORD is faithful; he remains unchangeable, unshakeable, and his plan continues for our good. A hard thing to wrap our minds around and accept sometimes is why God is doing what he is doing, and why it is for our good. But I just have to trust that every day God is doing his work in me for my good, and ultimately to bring Him the utmost glory.

I feel like I've been running ragged and it is all I can do everyday but surrender this class of 19 to my savior. Sometimes I even fail at that, and recognize I cannot do it on my own strength. I hope, though, to soon be able to notice the little things and funny stories that happen. I feel like we've been trying to find our groove so much that it hasn't been allowed to happen yet. I just pray for some joy to start abounding in here. I want to laugh with my kids. I want to share my life with them and my love, this love of Jesus with them. I just hope that it can start happening sooner than later.