"and why wouldn't you want to blog about this?
it shows people you're a human
and a teacher facing true trial
that's exactly what people want to read about."
Okay, Sadie Barton. Okay, world.
These...are the TRUE confessions...of a first grade teacher. Perhaps writing down the trials and the hardships that I am facing will help me to constructively, with the grace of God, fix them.
Everyday for the past few months, I have woken up in deep and utter prayer. Crying out to my Jesus for patience, peace, joy, happiness. For my students to be obedient, for my students to want to be at school, for my students to WANT to learn, and be able to learn. Please Lord, help us today. Be with us today. Be with my kids today...
I have felt for some time that my blogs were not authentic, and that if I did not post creative, cute stories of funny things my kids do or say, or sweet things that happen at school, that people would not want to read. Nor would people be interested. I have left this untouched, because of the lack of joy in what I do this year. The confessions I have right now at this point of the year are this: when is it going to finally click? When is it going to get better?
I feel like an Israelite wandering the wilderness, wondering when I'm going to get to the promise land, IF I'm going to get there at all. I have never done something this hard in my life, nor taken on a task such as this before. Maybe I have felt helpless from time to time, but for a beating day in and day out and no end in sight until next May, that is a really long time to feel helpless. I have tried anything and everything I can think of. I've changed how I teach time and time again, tried different ways to learn and do daily activities, different incentives...what have I done wrong this year? Where is the joyful first grade teacher I was? I long for her, and I miss her. I miss going to school feeling that what I do has a purpose and a positive, true effect on others.
But right now, I feel like my students look at me blankly as I do any and everything I can to get them engaged in learning, all in vain. This year, the passivity that I sense in the room is too much to handle. I love them, every single one; but it's almost as if they have no will or want to learn. This is a huge obstacle that I have to face, and one that I have yet to figure out. What is it going to take? How many times do I have to change myself or try to figure out what I'm not doing right or what I could do better? It has begun an ongoing spiral of frustration towards teaching, something that I know I love doing, something that I know the Lord has given me to do for his kingdom, but something that, over the past few months, has sucked me dry of joy.
I pray that through the writing and praying and seeking of truth that God will reveal to me the reality of my situation, and that he will continually remind me that the answer is to love Him and be loved by Him alone.