It's so funny the things that make you nostalgic. For me, just now, it was putting in a load of laundry and deciding which work pants I needed to wash and iron for the week. Then, I remembered that we are allowed to wear jeans all week on our last week of school. And I stopped, and slowly lowered the pants into the washer, and started to cry.
As women, we get emotional over things that we just don't understand. Last week I couldn't stop crying over how much I love my fiance. Today, I teared up 4 times during worship at church, barely choking out the beautiful lyrics about our Savior's redeeming love. Those two are understandable. But today, I could barely lower my grey pair of J. Crew chinos into the washing machine without losing it.
I can't believe that I only have 5 days left with these incredible 20 children. This year has been so unexplainably challenging for me. I have had so many days where I've wondered if the teaching profession is for me. I've spent countless days after school wondering when their reading levels would go higher, questioning my teaching methods of the day, going crazy about all the paperwork that I still hadn't done. I went from a class who came to me with little respect for others and hardly any discipline, to a class who is serving one another, loving one another, actually loving to learn and all performing in math and reading at exceptional levels. We have come. so. far. It's hard to explain to outsiders exactly how far we have come, but to break it down for you would be impossible.
There were moments when I couldn't take another minute and I wanted to get out as fast as I could. I had visions of me ducking behind a large trashcan and not coming back out to teach. I had a hard time finding funny or cute things my kids would do or say because I was so immersed in correcting their behavior. But those months of endless redirection have paid off, and they are maturing into sweet, caring, respectful children. I am experiencing an immeasurable amount of joy and pride for my kids. They have done it. They are ready for 2nd grade. They treat others the way they want to be treated. They show interest in learning and are beginning to self-motivate themselves to learn and do and create and be. They have learned how to serve others and put others before themselves. Where there was once no light at the end of the tunnel, it is so clearly seen now...
Now, that I have to let them go.
I thought I'd be ready for the year to be over, and I am in many ways (getting married this summer, being a pool rat, being able to learn more and create things over the summer and start fresh). And yes, I am ready for the year to be over, but I'm not ready to pass on these children. Just like last year, the thought of passing them on to someone else scares me, but I know that they are not my children. They are the Lord's, and all I've been in their lives is a small light of his love, which has been entirely through his grace on me and the spirit within me. I have been a small part to play in the grand scheme of their lives, and all I can do is continue to put them into the Father's hands and pray for their little hearts and lives to grow and mature and know Jesus as their savior who loves them more than anyone ever could.
So as I put the work clothes away and reflect on another year of teaching, I know that God has given me exactly what, and who, I needed. My 20 students of P104, I needed you this year. You have allowed me to learn amazing lessons of patience, endurance, strength, courage; dependence on the Lord and the giving up of human power and strength; how to let God be the king of my classroom, instead of myself; how to love others for exactly who and what they are; and so many more. I love you, and I will always believe in you, be here for you, and care for you.
Until next year...when I become Mrs. Rubinson and my students have a difficult time with that last name...I pray for this last week to be filled with sweet moments with my precious little ones. Thank you for reading and allowing me to share my life with you.
As women, we get emotional over things that we just don't understand. Last week I couldn't stop crying over how much I love my fiance. Today, I teared up 4 times during worship at church, barely choking out the beautiful lyrics about our Savior's redeeming love. Those two are understandable. But today, I could barely lower my grey pair of J. Crew chinos into the washing machine without losing it.
I can't believe that I only have 5 days left with these incredible 20 children. This year has been so unexplainably challenging for me. I have had so many days where I've wondered if the teaching profession is for me. I've spent countless days after school wondering when their reading levels would go higher, questioning my teaching methods of the day, going crazy about all the paperwork that I still hadn't done. I went from a class who came to me with little respect for others and hardly any discipline, to a class who is serving one another, loving one another, actually loving to learn and all performing in math and reading at exceptional levels. We have come. so. far. It's hard to explain to outsiders exactly how far we have come, but to break it down for you would be impossible.
There were moments when I couldn't take another minute and I wanted to get out as fast as I could. I had visions of me ducking behind a large trashcan and not coming back out to teach. I had a hard time finding funny or cute things my kids would do or say because I was so immersed in correcting their behavior. But those months of endless redirection have paid off, and they are maturing into sweet, caring, respectful children. I am experiencing an immeasurable amount of joy and pride for my kids. They have done it. They are ready for 2nd grade. They treat others the way they want to be treated. They show interest in learning and are beginning to self-motivate themselves to learn and do and create and be. They have learned how to serve others and put others before themselves. Where there was once no light at the end of the tunnel, it is so clearly seen now...
Now, that I have to let them go.
I thought I'd be ready for the year to be over, and I am in many ways (getting married this summer, being a pool rat, being able to learn more and create things over the summer and start fresh). And yes, I am ready for the year to be over, but I'm not ready to pass on these children. Just like last year, the thought of passing them on to someone else scares me, but I know that they are not my children. They are the Lord's, and all I've been in their lives is a small light of his love, which has been entirely through his grace on me and the spirit within me. I have been a small part to play in the grand scheme of their lives, and all I can do is continue to put them into the Father's hands and pray for their little hearts and lives to grow and mature and know Jesus as their savior who loves them more than anyone ever could.
So as I put the work clothes away and reflect on another year of teaching, I know that God has given me exactly what, and who, I needed. My 20 students of P104, I needed you this year. You have allowed me to learn amazing lessons of patience, endurance, strength, courage; dependence on the Lord and the giving up of human power and strength; how to let God be the king of my classroom, instead of myself; how to love others for exactly who and what they are; and so many more. I love you, and I will always believe in you, be here for you, and care for you.
Until next year...when I become Mrs. Rubinson and my students have a difficult time with that last name...I pray for this last week to be filled with sweet moments with my precious little ones. Thank you for reading and allowing me to share my life with you.
