What Worked and Didn't Work in 2014

On this windy but sunny Sunday, I am on my couch curled up with a cable-knit blanket, a cup of tea, and a thermometer as I anxiously check my temperature every half hour or so. Missing school tomorrow will be tough, since my room isn't totally ready for a substitute. That's what lesson planning on the weekends has come to- a feeling of unpreparedness and a bit of scrambling on Monday mornings. Without an ASPIRE team to plan first grade lessons with, these things take a lot more time than usual- but it is definitely something I want to aim for + change this year.

As I reflect on 2014, I think back on a year full of change, hardship, bottom-of-the-barrel-ness, and submission. I daily had to submit to the will of God to not take me out of the pit I was in, and see it as his love and goodness towards me. You see, God had a lot to teach me- and I had to be in the pit to learn it.

What Worked in 2014:

-Biblical counseling. I had never been to counseling before, and always felt that I wasn't weak or low enough to seek it out. Last year I battled those feelings as Andrew and I embarked on a journey towards healing and redemption with my anxiety and depression. I could not be more thankful for the time spent with our counselor as he pushed us towards Jesus, asked me hard questions, gave me amazing resources that spoke truth and volumes to me, and helped me move positively towards joy and believing that Christ is sufficient for my life. I realized how little I actually believed that, and it has been life-changing to know that Christ IS sufficient for my life- he is good, and I don't have to look elsewhere for satisfaction. And, the fact that he is good, means that he is also FOR my good- that anything that comes in my life is God's goodness towards me, even trial and tribulation, hardship and tears. God is good and he is for me, not against me, and clinging to this truth has been water to my soul.

-Reflective conversations with coworkers. Whether it was my old team at Foster Village, endless afternoons of bouncing ideas and thoughts off of my friend Jessica, or problem solving in my liaison Jeanette's office, reflective conversations held a lot of weight in my growth, mindset, mind shift, and learning last year. I was able to get out of my own head and let my thoughts and reflections fly, and had amazing friends to receive them and help me sort through them.

-Moving schools/changing jobs. It was a difficult transition at first, one that made me question everything I had done- had I made the right choice? Was this really for me? I had left Foster Village in a pretty fragile state, and the school year I was leaving behind had been my most difficult one yet. I loved my students at FVE, but this past year left me wondering if the teaching profession was truly for me. The passion and zeal I had once had was zapped after last year, and I spent the summer and time in counseling picking up the pieces. Needless to say, when I had moved I realized how much I missed all the students and relationships I had built at Foster Village despite the hardships, and I felt quite lonely as I began my journey as a Glenhope Gator. The position I have is in its first year of existence, and nothing like it exists nearby- which creates isolation + a feeling of being on my own island. I also had nothing to springboard off of, as no teacher had blazed this trail before me. I wasn't sure that this was the dream job I had signed up for, and I spent from August-November in this back-and-forth pendulum state of being as I dug into every resource + book + blog that I could to stay afloat. However, as the months passed and I came to absolutely love and treasure my students, it was in December that I called Jessica and told her, "It is back! My passion for teaching is back! I love being a teacher!" I think the first few months at Glenhope were reminiscent of my first year as a teacher in general- just laying groundwork and creating everything from scratch, but as I have grown this year I have learned where to look, what to prioritize, how to meet my kids' needs, and how to just plain enjoy my days with children in the classroom again. Moving schools was the change I needed to "begin again" (T Swift reference- one of many to come in this blog) and stretch my wings to see what I was truly capable of as a teacher. This job requires a lot of independence and critical thinking, creativity + problem solving + innovation to try to meet the educational and social/emotional needs of highly gifted students, but I have come to see that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else at this time. It's fascinating to be around these children who think and respond to things like I do, to see the world through a gifted lens and always want to explore + go deeper with things. I feel like I get to be the teacher I've always wanted to be when I am with them. So, despite the workload and the late nights, moving schools worked for me (and Andrew) in 2014. It helped my passion for teaching to return and it also helped our marriage in that I wasn't so distraught and distracted by the daily ongoings of school that I couldn't function or be present when I was at home.

-Un-Fancy. My friend Caroline Joy Rector is the author + creator of this amazing minimalist fashion blog and I have so much to thank her for. Not only has she helped me better budget + plan for my wardrobe, but her philosophies have spilled over into many areas of my life. For one, she has helped me to find and feel confident about my personal style, while being minimalist and not breaking the bank for clothing. As I followed her step-by-step process in building a capsule wardrobe, emptied my closet full of things that I never wore or felt-guilty-for getting-rid-of-but-I-would-really-never-wear-it-again type pieces, and discovered what clothing made me feel like ME- I now get up in the mornings to get ready for school or my day and have a choice of clothing that I absolutely love and feel best in, all with the purpose of having less but feeling like you've always got something to wear. Secondly, it has really helped Andrew and me as we look at our finances: I allow myself to shop for one season at a time, sticking to a budget, and then not shop for another 3 months until the next season rolls around. Win-win for both of us- I find a few new pieces for my wardrobe and he is happy that we stuck to a friendly amount. Lastly, un-fancy has also helped me battle comparisons and those self-imposed standards and fears that I put on myself and think that others are judging me for. I had a friend message me today as she was shopping for diaper bags for her soon-to-be little one, and she said: "I know it's striped...and I have so many things with stripes. But I am taking the advice from your fashion blogger and embracing that I love stripes, stripes are me, and it's ok to have lots of things with stripes!" Visit Caroline's blog (link above) if you are interested to know more.

-The eldership process. Andrew spent the last full year going through our church's candidacy for pastor eldership, and I was able to join him for many of the steps along the way. Whether it was at a training or equipping meeting, a night of fellowship and getting to know other pastor-elders at the church, or sitting beside him as he struggled through and grew through his assignments, I loved being able to support my husband in his calling. Andrew has felt the call to pastor a church since he became a believer at the age of 18, and 10 years later things are beginning to come to fruition. This process also strengthened our marriage as we were asked many tough questions and had to reflect on our relationship constantly. The pastor-elders of The City Church have been so gracious to us, and now Andrew is officially installed as a pastor-elder as of last week. We are both thankful for the growth we are both experiencing as he steps into this role.

-YOGA! In 2014 I took a yoga class over the summer and fell in love with yoga forever. I take classes at Karmany Yoga on Hulen, and the classes can be the best parts of my week. Sometimes accompanied by my friend Erin and sometimes alone, yoga was the exercise method I had been craving and looking for. I had tried gym memberships that never got used, and honestly, getting on a machine or lifting weights was one of the least appealing things I could think of doing. I knew I needed to stay in shape and keep my heart healthy and build muscle, but how was I going to do that in a way that didn't make me cringe? The power yoga classes I go to do just that. I get to build + lengthen + strengthen muscles, stretch + build flexibility, and slow down after a long day or long week. I am a proud yogi, and I love it.

What Didn't Work in 2014

-Time management. This stretches over many, many pockets of our life. My inability to manage time well in general makes this one particularly hard for me. We did not manage our time well in balancing time spent with family vs. friends (both of our immediate families are local, as well as our church family- and that's a lot to balance). We did not manage our time well in balancing time with others vs. ourselves (our calendar filled up so quickly each week, and we were often left without even one night alone to spend together). We did not manage our time well in balancing alone time- I am more of an introvert who, after spending all of my days with children and others, needs time to write, play music, read, go to yoga, sit at a coffee shop, and just decompress...where as Andrew is more of an extrovert, always wanting to be together or with others, and doesn't need as much alone time since he works at a desk all day and is often alone. We did not manage our time well in balancing work vs. play- there would be many-a-time when assignments for church or lesson plans or things we needed to get done were overpowered by time for play and recreation, but then on the flip-side, there would be many-a-time where assignments + work + lesson plans were over-prioritized and we went for a full week without any rest or time for fun. Overall, time management is a big goal for us in 2015.

-My over-worked summer. When school is out, a teacher really just needs to rest up for the next school year. I know that people often judge teachers for having a full 2 months off in the summertime, but it is so. necessary. I love everything summer: pools, water, sun, towels, sunscreen, being outside, parks, just everything summer. I feel like Olaf in that I could probably write a song myself about how much I love summer! And this past summer, I did not get to fully enjoy the season I love the most because I honestly worked for most of it. Truthfully, I love my friends, and I love their kids, and I love serving and helping them out- but I was exhausted last summer. I had originally set aside 2 weeks in June for teaching swimming lessons, and I don't want to seem ungrateful for what did happen because it was more than I expected and I was honored to do it- but what was supposed to be 2 weeks grew to 5 weeks, and what was only 2 weeks of swimming lessons turned to 5 weeks of swimming lessons + nannying my friend's kids across town 2-3 days per week. And then July rolled around and I had 5 weeks straight of training for my new job, and then school started. So, I did not get to really rest or recreate last summer, and I was beat when school began. As much as I love teaching swim to my friends' precious kiddos, it was a good/hard lesson in learning my capacity and when to say no.

-Chasing perfectionism and control. See that word up there? It's one of my words for 2015. I want to CHASE after my Jesus. I want to CHASE after the things that bring me life, not death. Most of the anxiety and depression I dealt with last year come down to these two things. Chasing them does not bring life. Chasing them does not bring joy. Chasing them is going against what God says is true: that Christ is made perfect in my weakness, and when I am weak then HE is strong; that God is sovereign over all things, and through him and to him and for him are all things, who could be his counselor?, who knows the mind of the Lord?; that I am to not boast in anything but the death and resurrection of Jesus; that I am an imperfect sinner who has been called and made righteous through Christ, and that Christ lives in me and I in him. None of those life-giving truths cater to chasing perfectionism and control. Not one. All that chasing those things did for me was drive me into a deeper pit and create more disbelief. Things I am still learning and fighting today.

My reflective Sunday is now coming to a close, and I need to rest up and watch a lot of Lost this afternoon to kick the low-grade fever I'm experiencing. I challenge and ask you these things: What worked or didn't work for you in 2014?

"Done is Better Than Perfect"

Good afternoon! I am writing to you from my little tranquil historic home in Fort Worth, Texas, as the sun is peeking through the blinds and Ed Sheeran is gracefully crooning over my computer speakers. Today is MLK, Jr. holiday, and my fellow coworkers and I have the blessing to stay home and enjoy this beautiful day in January, where the temperature is 71 degrees and the sky is a periwinkle blue. I love days like today, where I get to just stay in my pajamas and slippers all day, sip hot herbal tea, see my husband on his lunch break, not put on a stitch of makeup, and just have some time to enjoy breathing, living, and thinking. Oh boy, do I do a lot of thinking on these kinds of days.

Some days of thinking are healthier and more productive than others. Some days of thinking leave me in a big ball of stress or self-doubt. Today is one of those thinking days that is the former- healthy, productive, and positive.

I have spent the past 5 hours or so once again rearranging my class's scope and sequence for the rest of the year, planning out a PBL on historical figures in the US, contacting a teacher in Pennsylvania about Skypeing with her class to share information about our beloved states, and creating several documents to go along with everything. This year has been such a whirlwind of trying to combine elements of Gifted/Talented education and strategies into the Texas state standards and expectations. I have clung to my precious Bloom's Taxonomy verb charts and higher-level question stems, built a PLN on Twitter to connect with other educators across the world for their expertise, filled journals with pages and pages of ideas- to only then be frustrated to have to choose between the ideas!- and spent many dear hours piecing together units that try to be as cross-curricular as possible. Evidence below:

I have learned so much this year, and have grown tremendously as an educator. I admit that some days are easier than others, when I revel in the fact that I get the chance to use my own innovativeness and creativity to create learning experiences for my students that I would have loved as a child. Some days I wonder if the work will ever end. Sometimes the thought that I have so far to go and so much to do and build can paralyze me into inaction. I then don't take any steps forward, and end up even more behind than before.

But the other day I saw this when perusing Lara Casey's blog, as well as a blog by my friend Casey Chappell.

DONE IS BETTER THAN PERFECT

And my life, once again, was changed.

So often as a woman, wife, friend, and teacher, I think that everything I do needs to be done perfectly. And sometimes, this disables me from doing anything at all. I find that if I can't do it to the fullest extent that it could be, I shy away from doing it completely- and time passes, days go by, and I still haven't done it. This manifests itself in so many ways in my life.

"I can't sit down and write music...I won't have enough time to make it a good song." "I can't start the laundry...I won't have enough time to fold it all so it won't have any wrinkles." "I can't cook that meal...it won't taste as good as that blogger made it taste." "I can't teach this unit...I don't have a perfect lesson plan stuffed with higher-level Bloom's questions and GT strategies and Thinking Hats and FFOE and art/writing/any connections and I won't do this topic justice..."

Sigh. Paralyzed from taking any action. But now...I recognize that getting things DONE is better than getting them done PERFECTLY. Because, frankly, I'm teaching myself this as I write it- nothing ever will be, or can be, perfect. Ever.

Getting things DONE doesn't mean that I do them half-way or in an incomplete, lazy fashion. I get them done to the best of my ability and celebrate the fact that I at least tried. I at least completed the task, put in my best effort, and am moving forward.

This, my friends, is my theme for 2015. Make it Happen. Done is better than perfect. It is so growth mindset- don't you think? We can't keep growing if we are stuck in the same place disabled by our own perfectionism or self-imposed standards. Growth happens when we make things happen. Despite them being imperfect.

My colleague and saving grace this year, Jeanette, taught me about Growth Mindset, a philosophy created by Carol Dweck, earlier this year on the second day of school when I was crying hopelessly in her office. Growth mindset has utterly and indefinitely changed my life forever. You see, the whole idea is that we as humans are continually growing and changing. Where we are now is not where we will always be. The lesson we screwed up on today isn't the measure of us as a teacher- it doesn't mean that we are terrible and should never teach again. The fight I had with my husband isn't the measure of our marriage- it doesn't mean that things are in disrepair and that we will never come out of it, or that I am a failure as a wife. 

No, these minor setbacks, these mistakes, these experiences, are all to serve the purpose of helping us to GROW. That lesson I messed up in the classroom? Because of it, I now know: What to not do in the future, what TO DO in the future instead, and how to change or tweak the lesson to be more successful. Now the next time I teach it, it will be better. That fight I had with Andrew? Because of it, I now know: what hurts Andrew and what to avoid doing in the future, ways I can love and respect Andrew better, things I need to repent for and ask for forgiveness for, and a deeper appreciation for him as my spouse.

Growth. Viewing mistakes and failures as opportunities for growth and change. This not only has changed me as a wife, teacher, and friend, but also as a daughter of the King. He doesn't look down on me with utter disgust and disappointment like I've always wrongly pictured him doing. He looks at me with compassion and love, teaching me and constantly using my sin and failure to conform me into the image of Jesus, gently leading me back as his lost sheep to his grand pasture.

And honestly, the biggest charge I'm taking from all of this is to "set my mind on things above" and not on things of the earth. Just like Romans 8 tells me, setting my mind on the flesh- death, despair, failure, sin- worry, stress, setbacks, disqualifications, accusations- whenever I set my mind on those things, you bet they sure don't bring me peace. It is when I set my mind on things above- love, hope, growth, sanctification, beauty, trust, rest, life, endurance, perseverance, character, all wrapped up in my beautiful Savior- that is when I do experience true peace that comes from Jesus.

So, as I continue on this journey of life, growth, and change, I am following Lara Casey's charge to reflect on a few things: What worked in 2014, what didn't work in 2014, and my yes and no list for 2015. I can't wait to post these things as I reflect and think on them all, and for 2015 to be the year where I am no longer paralyzed by inaction, but invigorated and inspired to do, be, create, learn, explore, LIVE.

My Night With a First Grader

Every year, my school has a silent auction to raise money for our school's PTA. The items to bid on do not only include trips to DisneyWorld or massages at a local spa, but the teachers themselves offer up a night out (usually in a group or with a team). Children then have the opportunity to happily bid on an evening spent bowling, getting pedicures, or catching the latest G rated film with the person who earlier that day taught them a math lesson.

Along with my vertical gifted/talented team, we created a "Game and Movie Night" that children were able to bid on. I remember laughing out of surprise when I received word on who won a night out with me, the ol' teach.

*Charlie is a student who I can honestly say has the ability to challenge my own thinking while at the same time make me melt into a puddle. He is a bold and bright leader, the kind of kid who can rule the school. All the other kids like him, want to be around him, follow his lead, think he is funny, and so forth. When I go around in a circle each day telling my students individually "good morning" and "I love you," he is the student that doesn't say "I love you" back because it's just not cool for such a cool guy to do so. But every now and then he will let it slip without thinking and quickly cover his mouth and turn bright red and pretend like nothing ever happened. Oh, and his MIND...he is one of the most well-spoken, intellectual children I have ever come across at the age of 7. He has the communication skills of an adult and can explain some of the most intricate topics or define higher-level vocabulary like it's nobody's business. He is just all around a cool kid, and a joy to teach.

So imagine my surprise when he bid on a night with me! I, not being very cool, got the chance to hang out with this super cool kid along with my coworkers and their winning bidders. I was really excited for the opportunity to get to let loose and have a laid-back night with a student- to see him more in his element without the pressures of school and work and projects and such. The night came, and there Charlie was in the library, waiting for me with a wooden chess board in hand.

We ate pizza, had lots of chocolate, watched a movie about math (which our highly gifted kids couldn't get over and kept talking about afterwards...no need for Frozen when you have Donald Duck in Mathematics Land, you know), and played hilarious games. And we laughed. A lot. I don't know if I've laughed that hard in a long time. At one point I was actually crying and wiping my eyes. Charlie totally let his walls down too and had a blast with the other children, teachers, and me. And when your student's parent comes to pick him up at 8:30 pm and he says he doesn't want to leave or go home...you silently cheer on the inside because you know that means they find time with you, or time at school, valuable.

I write about this night on here because I just don't want to forget how cool it was to spend time with a student outside of school hours and just be real in front of them. It made me reflect on how I want to be more "real" and transparent on a daily basis in the classroom, to let my students see the real Mrs. Rubinson- that I am a human being that can laugh, make mistakes and learn from them, have fun and relax and not constantly succumb to the pressures of test scores or perfectionism. I will never forget last school year when one of my students saw me laughing one day and mentioned, "Mrs. Rubinson, you're laughing! I never see you laugh." It struck such a powerful chord with me and I was determined to never let that be the case again. This year, laughing is a daily occurrence in our classroom- I make sure of it- because it's okay. Building relationships and classroom community isn't just about everything being perfectly timed and scheduled, or about rules and expectations constantly being followed to where humor and laughter can't be a part of your daily routine. I know my tendencies to always want to prove myself, to always want to appear to have it perfectly together, to always want to be in control of my surroundings- and those are tendencies that I don't want to pass on to my students. I want to pass on laughter. Love. Kindness. Honesty. Respect. Joy. Thankfulness for each day, even if a lesson goes awry or something falls apart.

My kids have taught me so much this year, as my students always do every year, and I thank them deeply for it. The perspective of 6-7 year olds can rival my own at times when their simplistic realities defeat my complicated tangle of distractions and mess of thoughts.

The Right Thing is Not Always the Easiest

Ever heard this before:
"What is the right thing to do isn't always the easiest thing to do." 
Or some version of that type of saying?

I feel that this is a lesson we teach our students as they travel through our classrooms- teaching them to have courage, to stand up for themselves and for one another, to do the right thing even when it is hard. I know that I say things like this at least weekly, if not daily- and sometimes choosing the right thing to do is super difficult and it takes a lot of self control, perseverance, and understanding on one's part. These are things that we as educators should be teaching and empowering children to be able to do on their own, so that when the time comes and they are alone with a choice to make, they can make the right one.

However, I don't think this life lesson is one that needs to be forgotten as an adult, especially in the teaching profession.

A buzzword and common practice among educators today is collaboration. Collaboration is a beautiful thing that, if done well, can make the phrase "two heads are better than one" come to life. I had the pleasure of collaborating with an incredible colleague for 4 years at my past school, and it was a joy and immense opportunity for growth and learning to have someone next door to me to reflect daily with, share ideas with, bounce lessons off of one another with, share struggles and triumphs with. I know that because of the time spent putting our heads together I became a better teacher for my students, and we took our learning experiences farther than I could have on my own.

This being said, collaboration is a thrilling process that can result in brilliance, and is something that I miss this year being on my own little island. (I teach a self-contained class of highly gifted and talented first graders, and it is the only class of its kind in my district). However, collaboration is only worthwhile when it is done well. Collaboration is only true, worthwhile collaboration when members involved leave with new knowledge/understanding, a task to try, or learning of their own that they only could gain by the practice of respectfully sharing and creating new ideas with others. Collaboration is when every member of the group respectfully contributes meaning and experience to the task or discussion at hand, where ideas and thoughts of members are heard and respected by other members, where any existing problems are solved and solutions are created. Together.

How unfortunate it is when collaboration takes a wrong turn and a teacher's voice is silenced. It seems that doing the right thing for our students is often the unpopular thing amongst many others around us; where actually being positive about our job and teaching children, or desiring to try new lessons, or attempting a unique idea is frowned at, laughed at, scoffed at, or brushed off. That sometimes it is just the easier thing to stay quiet and aloof in a meeting instead of asserting your thoughts or ideas. That sometimes it is just the easier thing to go with the flow of a group instead of doing what you truly believe is best for children. True collaboration shouldn't result in those things, and when "collaborating" causes a member of the group to have to choose between what is right and what is easy, it shouldn't be called collaboration in the first place.

Today, I charge us, the educators of children, to just do it: do what is best for children, no matter the cost, no matter the opposition. In the words of Taylor Swift, haters are gonna hate- and we just need to shake it off. Because these kids are worth it. They are worth us doing the right thing for them, even if it means facing disapproval or unpopularity from others. When it comes down to it, what we do everyday affects lives. A student's life is precious. Think about that a second- it's a LIFE! A life, a mind, a soul, a heart, a person. This is a life that we are helping to build and shape, and if we truly value it, we need to fight for the very best for them.

It will take a lot of courage and confidence to be able to do this well and to always try to do what is right for children, instead of what is easiest.