It's as if all the duties, guilt, and shortcomings of the week passed culminate to these very moments. I reflect on how I could have done more, read more, lived more of this gospel-life I am called to live. It's always about what I didn't do, what I didn't say, what I didn't pursue, how I messed up again and again. The weight and destructiveness of my sin becomes an all-too-real topic of writing. I lack understanding of grace on these days the most and wonder how our mighty savior would ever choose me as his own.
But he has, and thus I am called. To live according to this call, to take up my cross and get over myself and look only to him for security, for comfort, and for completion. I don't know why this all continues to be a difficult thing to do, but I suppose it always will be, or I would never need God.
Just one year ago, I was packing to board a plane to take me to Belgium for a spectacular month full of experiencing God in creation, other cultures, and in myself. I was living at Kaci and Kyle Barnes's house as a nanny. I was eagerly awaiting messages and Skype dates from a boy from California. I thought I was going to work at Sky Ranch upon graduation. I was captain of a dance team, churchless, and seeking newness and a life after TCU.
Now, one year later, I am living in Fort Worth, Texas, a city I have come to love more than I thought possible. I am living with 2 girls I never imagined I'd be living with, but who I love so dearly. I'm teaching first grade in one of the best districts in the state. I am single as I've ever been. I am churched and being the church, living in a community of believers daily, finally have a "group" of friends that I've always desired, and struggling to find the balance in my crazy life. My life is one huge question mark and there are no guarantees for anything, even my teaching job. That isn't even secure, sadly enough, because of how bad the economy is getting.
I just keep wondering what He's going to do next. I have no idea what to expect but I'm trying to be ready. I want to love Him more than anything or anyone or myself. I want to serve Him and give Him all of me, everything. Help me to do that, Father. Even when I don't feel like it. Help me to do it anyway. Help me get over myself and enjoy and delight in you.
I feel numb to it, but I know that You are worthy of all my affection.